Trying to understand my feelings towards my country

For a long time, especially after arriving in Canada, I felt completely divorced from my identity as an American. After all, I was just one of many Americans embrassed of my country.

Sometime between first arriving in Canada (in 2005), and today (2008), my feelings have changed somewhat. This is probably in large part due to what I wrote about in my last entry- specifically, my realisation that in many parts of the world, especially outside the West, Americans aren't as hated as we may think. Sure, everyone hates the government, but most intelligent people are able to distinguish the people from the government. Another contributing factor to my acceptance of my own American identity is the realisation that Canada really isn't a much different or better place.

So, I like America now, right? It's not that simple. My feelings are quite complex. The simplest way I could explain how I feel is this: I like Americans, but not America.

What does that mean? Well, firstly, and this should go without saying, but I don't like the current government. In fact, I can't think of an American presidential administration that I can truly regard with pride. As much as people like to laud Clinton, his administration was flawed, and his foreign policy was riddled with much of the arrogance that plagues Mr. Bush and his cronies. The US also has a shameful history. That said, what country is without some "skelatons" in their "closet"? What country has a truly "good" government? The bottom line is that an entire country shouldn't be judged on the basis of its government.

So, if I can separate America from its government, then why do I still "dislike" America? I don't know if "dislike" is the right word. The better way to express this is that I have no desire to live in America. The first reason for this is that, having grown up there, I see the US as uninspiring and unexotic. I guess this could happen to anyone with his mother country. But I see something greatly unendearing, even culturally impoverished, when I look at the North American social landscape. This, again, is something I've written about before. It's possible that the only reason I feel this way is because, as I've said, the US is "unexotic" to me. Or it's possible that North America is simply a culturally impoverished wasteland. Either way, to me it's uninspiring.

The second reason I desire not to live in the US? This is where it gets touchy. Many Americans living in the US (more on the opposite later) irk me. Not all, of course. But I feel trapped when I'm around people who have never left the country, and have no interest in doing so. I feel trapped when these same people feel liek they know whats right for people in countries they know nothing about- and probably haven't even heard of. I feel uncomfortable when people want to create a society based on overly literal if archaic interpretations of a 2000 yr old text, which leads to bigotry and intolerence. Of course, there are many Americans that are not like this. But the reality is, many more are. Even if not all Americans are bible thumping jesus freaks, far too many are frighteningly ignorant, yet set in their ways.

Things look pretty bleak, eh? Not totally. As I've already said, I currently have pretty much no desire to live in the US- at least not in the near future. Yet, I'm no longer ashamed to be American. Why is this? Well, for all the bad things America and its governments have done, there are also many good things. The US is one of the most generous countries on the planet; and it is also home to the most opportunities. It's a world leader in sports, entertainment, and almost every aspect of pop culture. It's a country that pretty much everybody recognises, and its a country that many many people admire.

This point aside, I find it somewhat satisfying when I meet Americans living abroad. I feel like they aren't like the stereotypical Americans I described above. Maybe some of them are- but any American willing to live abroad will inherently be more worldly than the average American. And I guess I feel like there is a strange, inexplicable bond. I know I felt it the most when I met the American missionaries in Mae Sot- pretty much the only Americans I met while I was there. There's no way I can easily explain this without being overly general and politically incorrect.

After reading this entry (if you've made it this far), you're probably left with a feeling of complete confusion. That's exactly what I feel! If I could summarise everything, I would say this: I am proud to be an American expatriate. This means that, while I don't approve of my government, I will continue to vote and participate in my country's democratic system. This means that while I don't find my country an interesting place to live, it can be an interesting place to visit and offers a lot to the open minded tourist. This means that while I have little urge to move back to the US, I will not abandon my American identity. This means that while I don't like many of the ignorant people in my country, I enjoy Americans open-minded enough to discover their world. This means I'm proud to be American, but I would by no means call myself a staunch patriot. I am proud to be an American expatriate.