Mae Sot Withdrawal (15 February 2008)

So you know when you do something/ go somewhere really exciting, and you come back, it's really all you want to talk about. You obsess upon it and annoy people, and eventually, usually within a few weeks, you begin to forget about it. Maybe not forget about it... but it's no longer on the top of the things you think/talk about. This happened to me on my respecitive trips to Spain, Belgium, and Portugal. Not that these three countries were lame (although Spain is the only one I really consider worth returning to...). It's just that... it becomes such a small part of my life that it's no longer the focus of my thoughts, dreams and conversations.

Such is not the case with my past summer. Granted, I was gone for much longer than I spent in any other the aforementioned countries. But, I've been back in Canada for well over 6 months now- and I can assure you that NOT A SINGLE DAY has gone by where I didn't think about Mae Sot, the kids, and/or SEA in general.I would say that this summer was definitely THE defining experience for me, more than anything else so far. In reading my entries from when I was in Asia, and from when I had gotten back, it's really interesting to see my mindset- what I was expecting from the trip, and what I got from it.

I'm not sure whether or not I clearly expressed this in my blog in August, but when I was leaving Asia I was actually excited to come back to Montreal. I felt like I had become a new person. I, for the first time, had a huge sense of self-confidence, and felt ready to return triumphantly to Montreal and tackle all the problems waiting for me there- both dealing with the baggage of a rough Winter '07 semester, and the problems in store for me for the upcoming semester. Now, I kinda feel only 50% of this is still true. True- I have new perspectives in my life. ANd when I first got back to Montreal- September of last year- I was full of self-confidence. Unfortunately, due to a fall semester that was academically my worst yet, and mostly unfriendly people who don't really care about my Asian experiences, my happy-go-lucky optimism was short-lived.

Now, I kinda feel in a rut. I still dream every day that I'm somewhere where I can get cheap & good food, where people stare at me on the street and that I'm the object of many a women's affections, and I don't have so many responsibilities & things to deal with. I guess my expectations of returning to the "west" have not quite been met.... so I feel like I must as well be back there.

I miss a lot of things about SEA. I miss my kids. I miss Mae Sot. I miss being a teacher. I want to go back to Burma, and go to Mandalay and Bagan. I want to go to Cambodia and Vietnam. I want to go back to Malaysia- to the parts of the country I didn't see + to KL again. I want to go back to Bangkok, and spend more time in Bangkok- give it another chance, and get to know it better. I want to go back to Singapore. I want to go back to Hong Kong. Actually, the only country in SEA that I don't really have a huge desire to return to is- in all honesty- Laos. Not that I didn't really enjoy my time there... and not that it wasn't a really interesting country. It was just a bit underwhelming in retrospect. By contrast, hindsight has really improved my impressions of Singapore, Bangkok, and Hong Kong. I couldn't quite explain why. I guess I can compare it to Montreal- and MOntreal seems so lame in comparison.

Anyway... I guess I'm not going anywhere here. I know I don't like to have this blog be personal- and I know I'm not saying anything profoundly relevant to anyone's life. But I was reading my old entries today, and I thought I would just do a long-term follow-up. Oh, and I'm still planning to return in 2009.

Of course, none of this is to say I'm upset with my life in Montreal. I have some awesome friends.... a nice apartment.... awesome landlords. And I'm also very excited for my excursion to Germany and Morocco.