On Niceness (11 February 2008)

In recent months, I've been called "too nice" on several occasions- with a bad conontation. I absolutely do not take offense to this, as I strive to be the nicest, most generous, most caring individual I could possibly be. What I don't understand is why being nice is an anyway bad? When I was growing up, I was always taught to be nice. I remember the old saying "If you haven't got aything nice to say, then don't say anything at all", and I still hold by that. What I want to know, is what announcement did I miss which declared being nice as undesrieable, unattractive, and negative.

It is a well-known fact that a large number of girls, especially those under 25, are attracted to "bad boys", and very much NOT attractive to nice guys. I think the illogic in this is quite apparant, and does not justify much space here. What I cannot comprehend is why being nice is not the goal of everyone? I'm not saying that everyone should go great lengths and incur great personal expense in order to make someone else's day/life in some way happier. But why not just say something nice to someone just to cheer them up.... or why not buy something for a friend/stranger without having any reason to do so.... or do something for someone (make them dinner, do their laundry, do their groceries, &c.) These things take little effort, and I really don't see the negative consequences to them.

Last night I was involved in a conversation I really didn't want to be involved in. We talked about people's looks, which is innocent enough- until it involves people in the conversation.

Before it digressed to that, I noticed something. Each person in the conversation was asked to say what percentage of people were in some way physically attractive. Everyone besides me said 25-30%... I said 75%. My explanation (as I've written in previous entries) is that I look at each and every individual (well.... for the sake of this discussion, only girls) and try to see how they are beautiful. I can see a fair amount of beauty in about 75% of women around my age. I don't want to say another individual is ugly. I have to be realistic and say that some people simply aren't good-looking.... anyone who denies that isn't reallly being honest I think. That's not to say that ugly people, to use such a gross label, are in any way inferior or unworthy. I don't mean to say that at all. Nonetheless, it pains me to consider any other individual as "ugly", and I try to see outer beauty in everyone. Inner beauty is a whole different topic. My perception of a person's looks are not affected by her personality... but to be totally honest, her personality is FAR more important. Ok... that was a tangent.

Anyway.....Everyone else thought that was the most ridiculous thing in the world. In fact, they favoured the opposite approach- particularly the two girls involved in this conversation. They went out of their way to look for the ugliness in everybody, to the point where they went through magazines, and pointed out models and celebrities and exaplained why they were, in fact, ugly. Since when are Mathew McConnahey (sp?) and Kate Hudson ugly??? I think this in and of itself is disturbing. Why must we have this way of seeing it?? What possible gain is there to trying to point out the ugliness in everyone???? It just doesnt go through my mind.

As I said... it was innocent enough when it inolved magazine models.... but then we started talking about people in the conversation. That's when I became really uncomfortable. For personal reasons, I really would prefer not to know how attractive they find me, especially considering how they tear everyone apart- and I chose to stay as much out of the conversation as possible. But the two girls present were pretty mercilious in declaring other people ugly, and explaining specificaly why they were ugly. Now maybe I'm old-fashioned, but except in very rare circumstances, I don't see why any individual should tell any other individual that he/she is ugly. Regardless if it's true, it's a blow to someone's confidence- and it's totally unnecessary. I was told: "you're too nice- that's your problem."

I am not going to discuss the details of this conversation further. I just used this as an illustration of some things concerning me. First of all, why is it that people look for the worst in others? Is it just for fun? Is it because of personal insecurities? I simply don't understand it! I feel happier when I'm around people I see in a positive light. I feel better in the presence of someone I perceive as beautiful. And think about it the other way around..... don't we all want people to look for the best in us? I like to compare it to a hard exam. Most decent profs will try to give you the most amount of points for what you wroten down. They will examine your answers (assuming the exam is not mult choice....), and look for what you said that's of value. Except for sadistic profs, the goal isn't to make you fail... the goal is to give you a reasonable grade (although, admitedly, not often a fantastic grade- but to carry on the analogy, I never said that I think most people are GORGEOUS). I want to make the declaration here that we should all try to look for the best in others for two reasons. FIrstly, to make our own lives easier, happier, and more positive. Secondly, so that we can benefit from the same generous standards,

The second thing concerning me from the above attractiveness conversation is what I said at the beginning of this entry: since when was it unfashionable to be nice. I simply don't understand this. Why could it ever be a bad thing to be nice? I think the fact that I actually care about other people and try to make other people happy is one of the best parts of my personality. I will not change that- not if it meant lots of money or lots of women. I would give up all of those things just to make someone else's day a little bit happier. What I want to know is why is this bad? I think I missed the announcement on that one- and I refuse to accept it. If being nice makes me an ugly person, then call me ugly. I think the postives to being nice far outweigh any alternatives. Alas, I just think that any society in which altruism, tact, kindness and generosity are shunned and considered taboo is pretty messed up. The same goes for individuals who follow along with that. And I don't mean to be judgemental- but this type of attitude causes LOTS of problems for the rest of us. If you're reading this, and you consider being nice a bad thing, I would be interested to hear why you feel like that. Maybe in addition to making me ugly, being nice makes me dumb because I simply cannot understand such mentalities.